Haven’t been blogging recently..there have been so many thoughts going on in my mind that clubbing everything into a single heading seemed impossible. Somehow it was becoming increasingly difficult to keep everything within myself, kind of a situation when the liquid has reached a cup’s brim..the saturation point as they say..one drop more and everything would overflow..So here it is, an impromptu blog, couldn’t think of an appropriate heading to it..hence the ‘JLT’ ..
Staring into space, wondering if things could be different, if I could go back into time & change things, turn situations around, be a little more stronger, little more affirmative and confident of myself and my feelings..What makes us behave in a manner that we do not want to behave, why we let go of people when we don’t want to, why we ignore feelings when we know that they are there, and later realize that we were wrong. Time flies by, people move in and out of our lives, and we let the moments slip out of our hands as if they were sand slipping out of our fingers. Looking back, we realize what we let go.
There are other times when we are aware of what we are doing, that it is against what the heart feels, times when we listen our head.. practicality flows in, we are guided by society, norms, family values and in the process give up what we want, or what makes us truly happy, knowing pretty well that the decision would leave us in pain & grief.
Why can’t life be simple, why do we have to go through pain and separation, yes yes..I know, life makes us strong and all..but does it really..I mean, I don’t think I have gained even an iota of strength by following my head when my heart was travelling on a different path. The pain was never less, the guilt never diminished..
People who know me say I am strong, can really handle situations well, am not stirred by emotions and have my life pretty much in place..The fact is quite the opposite, am perhaps the weakest in terms of handling situations, try to avoid them rather than face , have never been able to speak up when I knew something was wrong .. and in matters of the heart .. oh well that’s a different story..wish I could change that chapter completely..
Coming back to reality, knowing what’s gone is gone..memories are there ..and they linger on..leaving a line of smile or a drop of tear..